October 21, 2016

I Am An Offering

In the Bible, God describes himself as "I Am that I Am."
"I Am" is a confusing name to a child. Pondering it during my life, I've come to know that God is "I Am _______" for me. If I fill in the blank with anything good or true or lovely, God is that. No matter what I lack or who I need in any moment of life, he fills in that blank in the way I need most.

After 28 hours of labor, he was courage for me.
Unable to sleep or read or even think past immense pain, not knowing what was wrong with me so very many mornings at 3 a.m., he was security, comfort, and very present love.
When I've yelled at the ceiling because I don't like what he's doing, he's been a listener, waiting for me to work through my built-up mad.
When I'm hating a part of myself so much, dreading that I'm actually the opposite of all I long to be, he reminds me he created me and delights in me.

A few days ago, I was in my car listening to a worship song by Nathan & Christy Nockels.
You come as You are/ And I come as I am
And grace covers shame
You come in Your power/ And I bow down
And grace covers shame
You come like a flood/ And I'm lost in this
You come as You are/ And I come as I am
And grace covers all of me

The words overlapped in my head with thoughts of I Am, and I was stunned by a new realization: in the verses in the Bible concerning Jesus, there isn't a single time when he got defensive or argued for why his actions were right or got prickly about someone's reaction to him. He absolutely had emotions; he most certainly spoke hard truth to people at times. He didn't ever make excuses for himself or give any sign that he was insecure about his behavior.

I think Jesus took the time to listen to his Father God, but I know there are times he felt inadequate for what God asked him to do, as in the Garden of Gethsemane. Once Christ stepped into his Father's will, I think he had complete trust that God would provide whatever might be needed to fill in the blanks. Even if Jesus didn't feel ready. Even if things didn't happen the way he wanted.

I will never be perfect. I simply cannot arrive as the be-all and end-all, "Your troubles are over because _I_ am here" in any situation. What I can do is offer myself where God opens doors. I can agree to offer my writing, my musicianship, my creativity, my teaching and cultivate trust that my Abba, my God who is always the I Am, will show up with whatever else is needed.

All I have to do is offer and trust.

Sometimes the simplest things feel the hardest.

No comments: