March 09, 2006

Again, Tired of Consulting

I've been in some kind of funk the last several days... Nathan likes the taste of solids, but his digestive system doesn't like processing them; he screams at the drop of a hat now as food works its way through his gastrointestinal tract. The weather was nice today, but has been gray and rainy the two preceding days. Trent's wrestling with a sleep problem; I think it's obstructive sleep apnea, but we don't have the $3,000 a nearby sleep clinic would charge to get an official diagnosis (let alone the $1,200 for the machine needed to treat it), so meanwhile Trent's getting the equivalent of 3-4 hours of sleep a night.

He hasn't been very social lately.

It was while we were talking this morning that I realized what I miss so much about where we were: there, I knew so many people who were actively seeking God - more than that, pursuing him with abandon. Here, I think more people consult God. There's a big difference.

My dad has remarked that this area is perhaps the hardest area in which to be a Christian - not physically, since there isn't persecution, but emotionally and spiritually. Everyone is surrounded by the forms of religion from childhood. We're close to being innoculated against true, life-changing belief. It's how I grew up: keep all the rules and try harder, because you're not doing enough.

I don't want to be back there. I don't want to live my life and take my blueprints to God for his rubber-stamp sign off. That's consulting, not surrender. I got enough of consulting at my former employer. Form of language mattered more than the content, and there were a million ways of answering a question without saying anything of substance - certainly no promises I could be held accountable to keep... I left the corporate world because of the changes I saw in how I responded to friends and family; I don't want my relationship with God to be that way. "Fake" and "truth" cannot exist in the same relationship for longer than a breath.

I miss being part of a group of seekers. Here devotions seem more "discipline" and less "devotion".

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